


you'll always have me

by yukioapologist



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 20:38:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19483588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukioapologist/pseuds/yukioapologist
Summary: Shima comforts Yukio when he has a mental breakdown; Yukio realizes he has feelings for Shima.





	you'll always have me

"Hey, teach," Shima says, poking his head into Yukio's room. "Do you wanna come with me to the cafeteria?"

"No. Another time, Shima," Yukio replies, wiping at his nose as he turns away. His voice is shaky when he talks again. "I'm not in the mood."

Shima's wants to accept this as an answer, but he sees a single tear streak down Yukio's cheek just as he's about to leave. "Are... you okay?" he asks uneasily. He's not sure if he and Yukio are close enough for this, and his concern could backfire on him, but he can't just leave Yukio alone if he's crying. "Why are you so upset?"

"So upset," Yukio scoffs, slumping his shoulders over - _probably to hide himself more_ , Shima thinks. "It was a single tear. Don't get ahead of yourself, spy."

Shima flinches at the way Yukio says spy, but he doesn't let it affect him too much. "We've never had a personal relationship," he says carefully, "but I've never seen your eyes so much as water around me. Even when Okumura was in danger, you never showed much emotion other than irritation." When Yukio doesn't reply, he continues. "If it's enough for you to cry even one tear, I'm sure it's something you don't want to bottle up."

He turns to leave again, "If you don't want to talk to me about it, Homare is always willing to listen."

"Wait," Yukio calls. "I - I'll talk to you about it. I don't want Homare to know - she'd report it to the commander."

"Oh. Okay," Shima closes the door and sits down across from Yukio. He hadn't expected Yukio to actually take him up on his offer - usually, he'd be told to shut up, followed by some kind of physical violence. It was strange.

"I... just..." Yukio fiddles with his fingers and hisses. "I don't know where to start."

"Take your time," Shima tells him quietly. "If it helps... what exactly is bothering you right now?"

Yukio considers that, and sighs. "I guess... that I'm not enough. No matter how hard I work, how badly I want respect, it's never enough. I'll never be stronger than Rin. I'll never be as useful or needed as he is. I'll always be weak - that's why it's so easy for people like Toudou and the commander to manipulate me. I tried so hard to be different than Toudou, to deny Lucifer, but in the end, that pushed me right into their arms."

Shima wants to reach out when Yukio bursts into tears when he finishes his last sentence, but he's not sure how receptive he'd be to that. "Hey. Look at me," he says softly instead. "Focus on me." Yukio does as he asks. "You're not weak. You and Okumura - you just have different strengths, that's all. And I'm sorry about all the people who don't respect you, but _I_ do, teach. I respect you." He pauses, considering the weight of his next words. "You're enough for me, okay?"

He can see Yukio swallow hard at that, and he's shocked when Yukio nods and gives a small, sad smile. "Thank you, Shima."

"Is there anything else bothering you?"

"Y-yeah, actually," Yukio says, and the smile wipes off his face instantly. "But I don't want you to feel guilty if I tell you."

Shima's heart sinks at that - was he partially responsible for Yukio's breakdown?

"It's... about coming here, to the Illuminati," Yukio admits quietly, and Shima almost doesn't hear him. "It would've happened eventually - it was what Mephisto and Lucifer wanted. They would've found a way to force me eventually if I hadn't lost it that day," he continues. "I don't blame you for it. You welcomed me, but it wasn't your doing-"

"Yukio," Shima interrupts him. "Just tell me what it is. I know you don't blame me - Hell, even if you did, you'd have every right to."

Yukio looks like he wants to argue with him on that, but he concedes. "Okay. I - I feel guilty for how I left. For what I did to my brother. I didn't want to do it - I just wanted to slow him down so he couldn't follow me."

This time, when Yukio shakes uncontrollably, Shima reaches out. He rubs his shoulder, and hopes he's comforting him. He's never dealt with something like this before, and more than anything, he feels like a deer caught in headlights.

"But I... I was so cruel to him. The things I said to him, I don't even know if they were true. If our father is as terrible as I made him out to be. I'm actually certain now that there was more to Father Fujimoto than what was written in the reports Lightning gave to me, but - I was... overwhelmed when I first found out. I acted out, I lost my head. And that's not an excuse - I'm a bad person, and Rin deserves a better brother than me, and you - the cram school students- deserved a better teacher and I just..." He broke off, clearly it was too much for him.

Shima barely catches him when he collapses, and he cradles him in his arms as he cries - which was uncomfortable, considering their positions and the fact that Yukio was bigger than him, but he needs this. "It's okay. You're okay," he shushes as he runs a hand through Yukio's hair. "You're not a bad person. You're a good person, who did some bad things when you were forced into a life or death situation," he says. "And you were a good teacher - one of the best. Please don't think you were a bad anything - it was us who didn't deserve you. I'm sorry we didn't appreciate you enough. I'm sorry that we - _that I_ \- let you be pushed to this point. Don't blame yourself for trying to survive."

"Maybe it'd be better if I was dead," Yukio says dejectedly. "I don't want or deserve to be here anyway. What do I have, other than a shattered career and terrible life choices and a demon god in my eye?"

"You deserve to be here, Yukio," Shima tells him gently. He pulls the taller boy closer to him, into what he thinks is a more comfortable position for him. Yukio's head rests on his chest, and Shima feels like his legs are falling asleep already, but it visibly relaxes Yukio at least. "You've worked hard to be good in your line of work, and I know you may never be able to return to it now, but it's not the end of the world, okay? As long as you're alive, as long as there are people like me who care about you, you have something to live for. You belong somewhere. You're not alone. I know it feels like you are, but you're not. You have me, and I know I'm not much of a good person, but you will always have me. Okay?"

Yukio nods at that and curls into him a little more. "Okay," he says.

They stay like that for awhile, and Shima thinks Yukio is sleeping until he rolls over so his chin is resting on Shima's chest. "Shima," he says, disturbing the calm silence of the room. "I'm in love with you."


End file.
